For such a long time I have felt off and frankly like I am going crazy. I have always been the type to worry, but that feeling of worrying has evolved drastically over time. I constantly feel as if the things that I am doing are not good enough, that the people I love will fall ill to some chronic disease, and just a general feeling of being discontent.
Worrying for me is who I am. I have worried about so many things since I was a little girl. Things that I rather not get into. But as I get older, it only gets worse.
When I was 21, I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Depression. I am sure that the depression was caused by my grandfather – who was like my father – losing his battle to cancer just 5 days before my 21st birthday. Quite honestly, he is the reason why I am studying so hard to become an attorney…It was a wish that he had that he could never fulfill not in his country nor in ours.
People with GAD experience excessive anxiety and worry, often expecting the worst even when there is no apparent reason for concern. They anticipate disaster and may be overly concerned about money, health, family, work, or other issues.
I am having such a difficult time coping with everything right now because I just feel that everyone depends so much on me and that what I am doing is not enough. For me, my excessive naps help block the demands of life.
I guess I am just at a point where I do not want to be anyone’s saving grace. I want someone to be my saving grace for a change.
I’m just tired and sad, but mostly tired.
Those close to me laugh and joke of my irrational fears, but if I could control such a thing, wouldn’t I? I tend to feel alone with this and think okay, I can beat this on my own without having to take medication for it. But I can see I am wrong. I need my medication because I need to feel better. I want to be happy and want to feel free.
I hope to one day not rely on my anxiety medication and that in a few months I can post on this blog of the great progression I am making.